my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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