If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
