sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
