I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
