if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
