You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
