i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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