When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
