When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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