What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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