I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I had to cum in my sink.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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