yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
