it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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