We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
