My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
