Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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