Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You can't special order awesome
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
