If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
