2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
