it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
