Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
