dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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