i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
