Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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