the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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