OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
