He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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