Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
