Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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