i need an iv and a liver transplant
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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