Barsexuality is the new black.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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