she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
