i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
