i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
