She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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