Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
