took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
