Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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