You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
