the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
