Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
