I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
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