Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
