mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Do you remember whose house we're in?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
