i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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