Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
