i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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