They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
