i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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