The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
FUCK WHALES
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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