dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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