Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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