the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
