So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
