a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
